These are the top 50 worst Christmas cracker jokes ever
“Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!” has been voted the most groan-inducing Christmas cracker joke EVER, according to research.
A poll of 2,000 Brits revealed that one in five selected the festive rib-tickler as the cringiest joke ever pulled out of a traditional Christmas cracker.
It was followed by “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker!” and “What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? NEIGH-bours!”.
Other cringe-worthy Christmas cracker jokes to make the list include “What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis”, “Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elfis Presley” and “Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? They were two deer.”
But it also emerged that despite such weak gags, the pull of Christmas crackers remains strong for Brits, with three quarters admitting they enjoy reading out the jokes over Christmas dinner.
The study was commissioned by electrical retailer Currys PC World as part of its ‘Magic of Christmas, Upgraded’ campaign, which has seen them join forces with award-winning British stand-up comedian, Gary Delaney, to ‘upgrade’ some of the nation’s worst Christmas cracker jokes.
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The new one-liners include knee-slappers such as; “Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A sensible turkey,” “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? Loads of presents, then a bill,” and “What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Mane of thrones? Pony Foals and Horses? Strictly Come Prancing?”
Gary Delaney, said: “We all know that traditional Christmas cracker jokes are weaker than your Nan’s Wi-fi password.
“As Currys PC World is upgrading Christmas this year, I’ve been pulled in to help change all that. I’m hoping my joke upgrades will have Brits crack-ing up across the country on Christmas Day.”
The survey also found more than a third of Brits confess that Christmas crackers are a festive tradition they secretly love, along with cheesy Christmas jumpers, carols and Christmas music.
And more than two thirds of Brits say crackers are considered part of a “normal” Christmas Day for them.
But almost eight in 10 families only pull crackers because it’s in keeping with a festive tradition.
However, six in 10 Brits have been left feeling disappointed by a Christmas cracker joke, with half of those polled believing there is room for improvement.
In true British style, almost one in five even admitted they only laugh ‘out of politeness’ when they hear a Christmas cracker pun.
The research, carried out via OnePoll.com, also found that Brits will pull four crackers each this Christmas period, with a fifth also enjoying the free gift that comes inside.
A mini-torch is the most popular cracker gift, followed by a set of tiny screwdrivers.
Other popular cracker gifts include bottle openers, puzzles and the common flipping-frog toy.
Two thirds even claimed to have kept a Christmas cracker gift, in case it was useful one day.
* The UK’s largest electrical retailer has pulled out all the stops for their latest festive campaign, creating the Currys PC World Ultimate Christmas Cracker, a major upgrade on the traditional – filled with the top 24 of tech gifts for 2018.
Brits can enter for a chance of winning all 24 gifts, featuring household favourites from top brands including Dyson, Amazon and Nintendo, by heading to Currys PC World’s Facebook page and submitting their personal worst-ever Christmas cracker joke.
THE MOST GROAN-INDUCING CRACKER JOKES EVER
1. Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy
2. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker
3. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neigh-bours
4. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick
5. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s too far to walk
6. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis
7. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive? “One day my prints will come!”
8. Did Rudolph go to school? No, he was elf-taught
9. What lies at the bottom of the sea shivering? A nervous wreck
10. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elfis Presley
11. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve.
12. How many letters are in the alphabet at Christmas? 25 – there’s no-el
13. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? Because they always drop their needles
14. What did the farmer get for Christmas? A cowculator
15. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? They were two deer
16. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? “Can you smell carrots?”
17. Why can’t a bike stand up by itself? It’s two-tyred
18. What school subject are snakes best at? Hisssstory
19. What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head
20. How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz? They had a weigh in a manger
21. Which side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside
22. What carol do they sing in the desert? O Camel Ye Faithful
23. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence
24. What do you sing a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
25. What happened to Santa when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker
26. Who’s Rudolph’s favourite singer? Beyon-sleigh
27. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws
28. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper
29. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “I don’t like sprouts!”
30. What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He has it toad
31. Why does your nose get tired in winter? It runs all day
32. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
33. What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barber-queue
34. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap
35. What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson
36. Why was the turkey in a band? He was the only one with drumsticks
37. What do reindeer put on their Christmas trees? Hornaments
38. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days
39. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack
40. What happened when Santa got stuck in a chimney? He felt Claus-trophobic
41. What has four wheels and flies? A bin lorry
42. How do snowmen get around? By riding an icicle
43. How did Scrooge win the football match? The ghost of Christmas passed
44. Why is it getting so hard to buy advent calendars? Their days are numbered
45. Why was Cinderella no good at football? Because her coach was a pumpkin
46. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side
47. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps
48. When do vampires like horse racing? When it’s neck and neck
49. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited? He keeps a logbook
50. What does a football team do when the pitch is flooded? Bring on the subs.